now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
