he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
