Well douche your snatch and let's go!
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
