i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
