A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The uberlube is also flammable
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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