So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
