I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
