You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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