If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
