And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
