i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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