Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
