My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
