Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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