I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
