I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
