make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
