you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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