My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
