the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
