i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
