i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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