Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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