She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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