If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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