drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
