My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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