Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
