Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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