i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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