I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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