Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
