I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
