I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
