If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
