I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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