You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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