I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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