I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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