I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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