look no pants
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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