Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's shark week go big or go home
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
