I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
