obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
