Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
