He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
