I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
