How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
