go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
