My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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